Before my partner (an enneagram relationship coach) and I had developed into a romantic couple, I asked her what, in her experience, were the keys to a healthy relationship. Her answer outlined 3 principles that I have found exceptionally valuable and insightful when put into practice. These aren’t a set of rules, but rather concepts that require consistent reflection and practice to understand and embody them within yourself and your unique circumstances. The rewards of doing so is the cultivation of an authentic way of being that shines light upon the deepest dynamics of your relationship.
1 | Your Partner is Your Mirror
You cannot see anything in the outside world that doesn’t already exist within you. Because a romantic partnership tends to be the deepest and most vulnerable connection in one’s life, this is the place where the deepest and most vulnerable parts of yourself are most likely to be reflected back at you—both positive and negative. Bearing this in mind, we can see that our own feelings towards our partner – especially the strongest ones – are reflections that are there as teachers. They reveal something about how we perceive ourselves and, by extension, the world.
What are some things you admire about your partner? What are some things you find challenging to accept? In what ways do these things (and/or the potential for them) exist in you? Don’t focus on outward traits or behaviors, but the deeper ,meaning beneath them. ‘Why and ‘how’ are good words to begin your self inquiry questions with.
2 | Balancing Comfort & Challenge
Growth occurs most quickly, healthily, and profoundly when there is a careful balance between comfort and challenge. Just as a plant needs the right temperature, amount of water, and nutrients to grow, it also needs the wind, resistance of the soil against its roots, and occasional pruning (read ‘lunch’ but the animal kingdom) to become solid and strong. Too much comfort in a relationship will remain weak and stagnant. Too much challenge and it will break like a young tree in a mighty storm. Notice where you may be challenging your partner, and how often. Is it balanced out with enough time, space, and nourishment to allow for growth? Or would perhaps a little more challenge stimulate you each to thrive?
3 | Surrender, But Not to the Ego
Here, again, balance is a theme—but also discernment. Discernment differs from judgement in that it comes with a neutral, detached quality… a simple perception of what is. We want to allow our partner to be who they are, without the desire to change them, but we also must stand in integrity with ourselves and not enable behavior that is detrimental or abusive. There is a certain energy, often quite subtle until you develop a practiced awareness, that feels like a pushing or pulling. It is deeply important to surrender to the full expression of your partner’s being, allowing and holding space for them to exist holistically. Once you perceive this pushing/pulling energy, however, you can be aware that one or both (actually always both – remember you are mirrors of one another!) is not in a space of allowance and unconditional love. People will naturally transform, spiraling closer and closer to their highest form of expression if they can be in a place of transparent self-awareness, not influenced by the egos of others or even themselves. The need to be, or not be, something in particular stifles the impetus of natural growth. When people have the love and the freedom to be and become their authentic selves, it is always ultimately to the benefit of all the cosmos. And yes, that means you too!
Journaling Prompt
Which guideline comes most naturally to you? Which might be the most challenging to put into practice?